The Viking

 

As I was never inundated with messages from the online dating world and as I was brought up to be polite I always tried to answer all messages even if it was a simple thanks but no thanks. So when I received a message from a guy with his hand covering most of his face on his picture, asking what the most private thing was I was willing to admit I responded. I outed myself as a closet Taylor Swift fan, although a huge metal fan he liked my answer and we soon began chatting. The cougar had struck again as this guy was only 27 and seemed keen as many messages were being sent daily. We talked about our interests and he was a huge fan of Vikings in fact he believed himself to be one, so for this love of all things Norse I have decided to call him Thor.

Thor and I chatted for a couple of weeks, always convivial and our shared love of films lead to some great discussions and debates covering hidden story lines and various acting credits. Even though we didn’t always agree, it was always light-hearted and we respected each others opinion. He then asked if I had a problem with the fact he smoked weed on occasion and had sampled other natural substances in his past. This did not present a problem for me as I try never to judge as we all have a past and I was certainly no angel. I reassured him that what was in the past was in the past and I didn’t see the harm in a little bit of weed now and then. He seemed overjoyed by this as for once he found someone who did not judge his lifestyle, to which I replied it was his life and it’s not like he was confessing to being a serial killer why on earth would I judge him on it. This seemed to have a profound effect on him as suddenly he wanted to “lower his shield” and let me in as he had never met anyone as accepting as myself. He said it mattered not that he lowered it as he believed I would jump over it anyway. Soon he started talking about how special I was and creating various romantic scenarios in where I would swoon and his chivalry. He then started saying how he just wanted to throw caution to the wind and go for it as he found me intoxicating and beautiful. Ding, ding, ding alarm bells were definitely ringing now, I am many things, funny, cool, vivacious even, but one thing I am not is beautiful and my pictures were not that carefully chosen. Where had all these feelings come from and what was this guy after? The devil appeared again on my shoulder and I decided to ride this out and see what he wanted and I didn’t have to wait long.

It wasn’t long before the romantic scenarios took on a more perverse twist and it went from pride and prejudice, to Lady Chatterley’s lover. This twist I really didn’t mind as from previous encounter’s I actually found it rather fun so had absolutely no issues playing along to this rather amorous game, only this time without the obligatory dick pic. He also decided it was a good time to ask if we should meet for coffee. I agreed saying I would even make my way to his home town as he wasn’t too far away. The date was set for a couple of weeks and the colourful talk continued. He then mentioned that he suffered from social anxiety and did not mix well in crowds and wondered if it would be at all inappropriate if we were to book a hotel room so he could relax and enjoy my company better. There it was, was all this work only as he wanted a sex date? Was he letting me in, so he could enter me? I thought about this for a while and decided in a moment of madness that meeting a young man in a hotel for a night carnal pleasure was not a bad thing after all it had been a while and I certainly had an itch that needed scratching. So I concluded as he had gone to so much effort in an attempt to bed me, why not oblige. I accepted and he promised I would not regret it and told me he was very skilled in the oral department promising me the best orgasm I ever had and said his cock was so mighty he named it Mjölnir (Thor’s hammer). He really didn’t need to try and sell me as I was already sold only now I had great expectations or should I say sexpectations.

The day of the date arrived and I made my way to him, I was all prepped and ready for a night of unbridled pleasure. I told a couple of close friends where I was going and promised several texts to ensure my safety. We met and walked to the hotel, stopping on the way to pick up some drinks, me a bottle of wine and him some beer. After we checked in and entered the room it immediately became apparent that the ever elusive spark was once again missing and what we both thought what was going to be a night of sexual gratification fell way short of the mark. We spent most of the night more absorbed in our drinks than each other and when we did finally make it to the bed it was over very quickly and neither of us experienced any kind of release; in fact I do believe we may have both faked it in order to get it over and done with, I know I did. Afterwards we both rolled over in an attempt to sleep although sleep would evade me too that night. I decided as soon as it got light I would have a shower and make my way home, leaving Thor a note explaining I forgot to mention earlier I had plans that day.

I did hear from Thor later the same day explaining that although he liked me immensely his anxiety would not allow him to get involved in a relationship right now and he was deeply sorry to have messed me around. I took this graciously and said I understood and hoped we could remain friends, knowing that I would never hear from him again. This did make me think though about how two people connect through sex. I always thought you were either good or bad in bed regardless of the person you are with. Now, however I am not so sure. It would seem you are only as good as your partner and hot sex has to be reciprocal, yet again this all boils down to that ever notorious spark or lack of it. It was obvious to me that Thor did not rate my performance just as I was disappointed in his. I have had both positive and negative encounters but selfishly I always blamed the other person being crap and never thought it could be because I wasn’t also measuring up. After all I was adventurous, experienced and had pretty much done it all. Thor helped me realise that it  actually takes two to be great in bed and it’s not about how talented you may be as it all counts for nothing if the connection isn’t all ready there.

 

 

The one where I broke all the rules

After Han that the one thing I really missed was talking to people and making new friends, after all it was only when anything else was on the cards did it all seem to go wrong. So my genius idea was to talk to people with only friendship on the agenda. A friend suggested a site which was more suited to what I was looking for and it didn’t take long to see a profile which looked promising, it simply said “I’m only on here to make friends, so will talk to just about anybody”. Brilliant this is just what I needed someone to hopefully have a laugh with and no romantic intentions so I sent him a message and he very quickly responded. A self-confessed geek, he was incredibly hot and struck me as extremely intelligent. This guy was beyond cool and I hoped a great alliance could be born from this.

Conversation was effortless and engaging covering many topics from celebrity stalking to the great enigma that is the human brain. When talk turned to music it seemed I had found someone who shared my eclectic taste. He was a lover of both rock and dance which was something I thought I would never find. It was refreshing to talk to someone who shared this affection and appreciated music on the same level I did. When it came to films it was the same again and we liked pretty much liked all the same ones. One of his favourites was “The Crow”; now to say I was obsessed with this film would be an understatement. I know the whole dialogue and had much of the merchandise including posters, soundtrack and graphic novel. For this shared love of the film I have decided to call him Eric. We liked Science Fiction, history and castles, loved playing silly games and quizzes, watched many of the same TV shows in our younger years and found the same things funny. Am I making this clear we had a stupid amount of stuff in common? As much as I thought I shared with anyone, with Eric it was a completely different level which has never been equalled. There was only one interest I had to discover, my kryptonite, the one thing that was guaranteed to finish me off. I asked him if he liked to read as it was a hobby of mine, yes he loved to read as much as I did and it appeared we had read many of the same books and he even recommended some I might like. We were both also thinking of writing a book of our own. I believed I had found someone who could be an awesome accomplice and really wanted at some point to meet this guy, have a few glasses of wine and chat the night away. Because of this I then broke my first and biggest rule; I gave him my phone number. I played it down but this was a big deal for me as I never give my number out and especially to someone I had only been talking to for a couple of weeks, but somehow this guy seemed so familiar, it felt like we had been talking much longer than a couple of weeks and at the risk of sounding cheesy it simply felt right.

Every day I would get “morning” and we had some great chats which never ceased to make me smile, and that one simple word every day always put me in a good mood. I soon noticed I was thinking about him at random times or when I heard certain songs on the radio. It became apparent I was becoming a cliché as this guy seemed to be perfect. How could I keep him as just a friend? I needed to end this before I turned in to a chick flick. I concluded as I had broken my first rule may as well break some more so I told him how I felt, I told him how he kept creeping into my thoughts and I wanted to make this real and be more than just words on a dating site. That should do it I thought, nothing sends a guy running faster when you start to talk about feelings. So I was shocked to receive a message from Eric stating he would very much like to meet however he did not know when as he had too may commitments. I knew he had a lot on his plate he had a ridiculous commute to work every day and his weekends would be to catch up with everything else. This seemed to placate me as I was fine with this as I realised because of his commitments and logistics we could never be more than friends and for now this suited me as I realised I was not ready to eject him completely from my world.

For five Months we chatted about many different things and I always enjoyed our time online. He helped me work on my book, quickly becoming source of inspiration, very much like a muse. We even progressed to swapping email addresses and there was even talk of him coming over once he had a free day. Then it happened, the line was crossed and things went from friendly to flirty. It all started with a game in where I was trying to make him blush at work. I asked him to imagine the office hottie and described a rather steamy scene between them with the intention of making him go red when he looked at her. He agreed that he was getting a little warm and was very much enjoying the images in his head, only they weren’t of the girl of my choosing he was picturing someone else instead and sent a suggestive wink. No, No, No I though he can’t have been talking about me, I have tried so hard to keep this cool and now suddenly, I could feel my defences crumbling. We spent the whole weekend talking, my guard slipping as we spoke about how easy we were to talk to and how it seemed we knew each other longer than the time we had been talking. I finished Saturday night telling him how much he made me smile and talking to him was a joy. He told me he felt the same and was happy my feelings mirrored his. When you open yourself up to someone like I did with Eric you open yourself up to other emotions too like paranoia and jealousy and the crazy also crawls its way in and that is exactly what happened. The next day he said he was hung-over as he was drinking the night before, oh no I thought, was all of his words said whilst drunk and would he regret them. I tried to continue the flirty yet sweet theme jokingly offering him a back tickle, he kindly asked for this conversation to cease and talk moved onto a safer subject.

The following day, I never received a morning text and the following weeks I couldn’t shake the feeling something was amiss. I tried to ignore this but I couldn’t escape the fact we were talking far less than we did right up until that weekend. Then the crazy finally won and another rule broken as I sent him the obligatory psycho message whilst ending our online communication, I sounded like a petulant child spitting my dummy because we didn’t talk as much as I desired and I wanted far more than he was willing to offer. I completely lost my cool and bear in mind this was the second time I had spouted on about feelings. If talking about emotions will not send someone running then going psycho on their ass will do the trick.

I would like to say the story ended there but not quite as I missed him and broke my final rule which was never chase. I sent him an email asking if we could still be friends and after a few weeks he responded saying he lost his phone and asked how I was. Things were still strange though as I emailed him and never received any responses I asked if he was okay and he said he was busy. I knew from previous chats how demanding his job was, but still couldn’t help thinking I was getting the brush off. So after several more weeks of hardly talking I was becoming increasingly frustrated, why email me back and then proceed to ignore me? Surely it would have been better to ignore my request to rekindle the friendship and then I wouldn’t have left so confused. I left the ball in his court and heard nothing so I decided it was best for everyone if I just ended it once and for all. I felt like I was becoming addicted to him and his messages seemed to be my drug. I still wanted more than he could offer and the guy turned me into lovesick twat with no sense of reason. I sent him one last email very short saying in a nutshell we were done. It all seems such a shame as it felt like someone was dangling the perfect guy in front of me saying “look at what you can’t have”. I will never know why he came back, or why things slowed down in the first place. Should have alarm bells been ringing when he had my number but never used it? I understood meeting would have been difficult but we could have spoken on the phone. We had so much in common and I know we only scratched the surface of each other, yet even then I knew I would have accepted him 100% without question, would he not have accepted me? Did he ever really like me or was he playing a game from the start? I refused to believe that though as he had no apparent agenda and he seemed so genuine online. What would have happened if we did ever meet? What if there was spark, surely that would have been more torturous, as we would not be able to spend much time together. In that case perhaps I did the right thing letting him go? I will never know the answer to any of these questions, so for now I will just continue to kid myself and pretend we stopped talking because he felt something too and got scared. I do miss him however and still think about him from time to time and a selfish part of me hopes I creep into his thoughts. Eric was the last person I spoke to online, I did briefly speak to a couple of others but all I kept thinking was they are not Eric. It seems he has now set the bar pretty high and I doubt I will talk to anyone quite like him again.

The Rock Star

I was starting to become disillusioned by this whole process and was about to pull in my net and call it day, when I saw a message that made me smile. I figured what the hell let’s see what this guy has. The message asked what music made me groove like no one was watching. I told him I liked all types of music, although it was rock which had captured my heart. I gave him a list of some of my favourites who he seemed to enjoy. We then had a strange conversation about star wars where we likened each other to different couples before settling on Han Solo and Chewbacca to which I explained winning someone in a card game hardly constitutes a romantic story, but it did seem to be a great match as, although not tall I was very hairy. This was pretty much how most of our conversations went there after and we seemed to get on really well. (No prizes for guessing what I am calling this one!) We talked constantly and one day managed what we named our 14 hour textathon where we both eventually had to stop due an apparent case of text drunkness causing words to stop making sense. Small coincidences kept plaguing us as I discovered he was a singer in a rock tribute band, which turned out to be the band that that gave me my love of rock music. Both allergic to penicillin, lovers of cheese and both hated the sound of people eating on the other end of the phone. We liked the same films and seemed to share a similar sense of humour. Although I never quite introduced him to the darker side of it, I really enjoyed talking to him and it seemed to be reciprocated. We soon decided it was time to take the plunge, move things forward and enter the realm of Facebook. Many times he would reference conversations so all of his friends could see and on one occasion I began chatting to one of them and it seemed they were accepting me into the fold. There was even mention of receiving the decorative title of band WAG, things were moving  forward rather rapidly. A date was arranged for February 14th, great the most romantic day of the year, no pressure then. I should have known we were pinning far too much on this, the fantasy was taking shape and running on it’s own. With so many coincidences presenting themselves, I began telling my friends about this great guy I had met on line. All we had to do was survive the date and this could be heading for a relationship. I even confided in him my clumsiness and this made him want to meet me more as he found it hilarious and we often laughed about coffeegate. It would seem we were both being swept away by this utopian idea of where online dating could take us and neither of us could foresee anything going wrong. I am not a big believer in fate and destiny, yet here we were about to give up our search, sharing many interests it did at times almost feel serendipitous.

The day of the date arrived and although I was excited I was incredibly nervous. Armed with texts wishing me all the best, I was to play this cool and pressure would not be my enemy today. So what if the date was valentines day, I’m not romantic so it was merely another Saturday morning. As I saw him approaching my mind quickly wondered to how we would greet each other. Would it be a simple hug or a passionate kiss? Disappointingly it was neither, we simply said “hi” and walked off to find coffee, that was it the date had begun. Very quickly it became apparent we didn’t share as much in common as our online personas suggested and we could not agree on anything. Han seemed repulsed by the fact I liked dance music and enjoyed the club scene. When I tried to explain I liked all music and refused too be tied to one genre he looked offended as it seemed as much he liked music he didn’t appreciate anything without a heavy guitar riff. When I suggested we look round a book stall he almost choked saying he couldn’t think of anything worse and he found books and reading boring! Anyone who knows me will tell you how much of a bookworm I am, all I do is read, surely I had not neglected to tell him this as books are a big a passion as music. The dream was starting to turn into a nightmare but I refused to believe it, after all Han and I were meant to be. All the coincidences and all day messaging surely the date will pick up; besides it was our first date and it would seem as much as I tried to keep to avoid it I was buckling under the pressure. Neither of us were as talkative as we were online, could this not be put down to first date nerves? The date dragged to a close and finally we walked to his car to say goodbye, he suggested we arrange another date via Facebook and parted with a hug. Phew, I thought, he wanted another date a second chance with far less the pressure, we could relax and be ourselves. I had to give a progress report to those who had messaged me previously, wishing me luck. Not wanting to appear like an idiot to my friends I chose not to tell them about the negatives and focused on the promise of a second date and our parting hug. I then sent a message to Han confirming this and thank him for a great day, to which I received no reply. Every day we spoke and he always replied to messages, perhaps I was over reacting but my Spidey senses were tingling. My pessimism was not misplaced however as I received a message the next day, simply saying, “Hey! I had a great time yesterday but I cant see it going any further. Sorry.” I was crestfallen, but not really surprised. We both assumed the date would be a resounding success and assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. We were promised skipping, clumsiness and constant laughter and neither of us delivered. The date felt awkward and nothing came as easy as it should have done. Perhaps we both met at the wrong time, grasping at that person who would show us fairy tales are real.We built up this false image and the sad fact is reality never measures up, as no matter how much two people appear to “connect” on line it all counts for nothing if there is no spark. Then again, should it all be thrown away so quickly and why is that elusive spark so pivotal to future relationships? I decided in a moment of craziness there was only one thing I could do. I sent him a message letting him know he was dick for throwing this away after one bad date. I layed it on pretty thick, telling him in no uncertain terms he would never meet anyone as great as me and this  was absolutely his loss. My ego was really hurting and it needed a stroke and at that given moment it was down to me to make it better. The chances are he never read the message but it certainly improved my mood. I then chose to close all my accounts as I needed a break from on line dating; besides I would never meet anyone as remotely cool as the rockstar. It took around 3 weeks for me to go back on line and much as I thought I had in common Han, I was about to meet someone who would completely polarise him.

 

The First Date

After several weeks of conversations and endless trawling through profiles, I still had not managed to arrange that increasingly elusive first date. I imagined by now I would at the very least have something lined up, but alas this was the one thing that kept escaping me. I was starting to think I should apply for the TV show “The Undateables”. Fortunately I would find salvation as my first date did present itself with someone much younger than myself.

As I have mentioned in a previous post many of the younger guys I conversed with were pretty single-minded. Most of them just seemed to want to try a cougar out for size or had the whole Mrs Robinson fantasy. This guy appeared different and I got the distinct impression he was much older than his years. A film nerd like myself we also seemed to share a similar taste in music. Chatting to him was a lot of fun and we often had heated debates about many different things. What clinched it for me however, was the fact that he was one of only two people who understood my sense of humour as it seemed to mirror his own. I had finally found someone who happily embraced the darker side of it too, so for that I will call him Anakin.

After a couple of weeks of hilarious persiflage, it was Anakin who suggested we meet, suggesting as I didn’t drive he would travel. Cautiously, I agreed and asked if he would be happy to decide when. A date was given to which I agreed and it was unanimous that I should come up with a plan for the day. All too soon thoughts of the last arranged date flooded in to my psyche, but I soon quashed them as this was completely different. Firstly, I wasn’t the one who asked for the date and secondly there were no apparent feelings from him and no personal questions were asked. The best thing I could do was take this date at face value and start thinking of the best way to spend a day in rainy Derby. After much deliberation I opted for a trip to the local museum and then if that goes well a meal somewhere. Anakin was impressed with this suggestion and now all that was left to think about was what to wear.

The day of the date arrived and I was feeling a little apprehensive, I had no idea what I should put on so I settled on some Skinny jeans and a pink floaty shirt, I wanted to appear casual and effortless and due to this guys age which was 27 I hoped to achieve neither looking too old, whilst trying to avoid mutton dressed as lamb. With my hair a mass of curls and natural looking make up applied I felt ready to impress and make this date memorable. During the time I was achieving this image, I did receive a message telling me he was on his way and he would arrive at the museum in little over an hour. With the intention of being extremely punctual, I left in the hope of arriving around the same time, I should not have bothered. Ten minutes after were due to meet I received a message explaining he was late (no shit!) and he would get there as soon as he could. A further 30 minutes passed and still no sign of him. At this point I was now starting think I had been stood up. It was cold, wet and I was starting to get pissed off, it was as I was about to give up and go home very deflated that I noticed a car drive past with what looked like Anakin in the driver’s seat.

After scolding him about the best way to make the wrong impression on a first date was to turn up late, he promised as penance he would buy lunch. All was quickly forgiven as we headed into the museum. At this point, it may be worth mentioning I am a little clumsy and it always seems to intensify 10 fold when I am under pressure. This was my first date in many years and it was with a guy who was 12 years my junior, so to say I was nervous would be an understatement and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I did something blunderous. We managed to walk around the ground floor with no hiccups and once we had looked around I was faced with dreaded stairs. Many times I fallen fowl to these wooden tricksters, at work these mixed with trousers and heels were always causing me to trip. I had anticipated this and chose my footwear accordingly in order to walk round safely. This did not help as still, my nemesis managed to get me. With absolutely no grace I stumbled clumsily up the stairs throwing myself into Anakin, almost causing him to face plant the top step. I concluded at this point this was how the date was going to be and true to form, I managed twice to trip over nothing and at the end of the tour, cause a rack full of vintage clothing to fall on the floor. I tried to pick them up and put them back but some how this just made things worse as Anakin’s laughter was very loud as I could not seem to work a simple coat hanger. I gave up and we quickly left the museum, with Anakin still doubled over guffawing, tears rolling down his face.

The rest of the date was uneventful we had a nice lunch courtesy of Anankin and previous mishaps aside the date seemed to be going really well and we seemed to getting along famously. There were no uncomfortable silences and conversation was effortless and engaging. The date was drawing to a close so we decided one last coffee before we go our separate ways. We ordered our drinks and found a quiet table to assess how things had gone with the possibility of a second date. Our drinks were brought over and I noticed mine was in a very tall glass mug with a tiny handle balancing very precariously on a saucer. I didn’t want any more accidents so made a mental note not to put the drink back on the saucer as it would sit better on a flat surface. After waiting for my drink to cool down I took a sip and placed on what I thought was the table. Too enthralled by the conversation I did not see where I was placing my cup and only half of if sadly found its intended target. As I pulled my hand away what happened next was shown to me in slow motion, yet I was still powerless to stop it from achieving this awful crescendo. A full cup of milky latte fell forward and covered both the table and Anakin causing him to jump back knocking his chair into an unsuspecting waitress. I was devastated as all that could be heard was her scream and the sound of smashing crockery. All I could do as Anakin ran off to clean himself up was help the poor waitress and apologise profusely offering to pay for any damage. My offer was kindly refused but I knew I could never go there again. I have done many clumsy things in my time on this earth but that incident far surpassed any thing and I have yet to equal it.  As the date was now well and truly over, I did offer to walk Anakin to his car which he acquiesced and I even received a kiss before departing. This kiss however nice it was felt very bittersweet as I knew that I had unequivocally kissed goodbye to any chance of a second date.

The Soldier

Whilst surfing these site I actually found myself on 5 different sites at one time. I figured it was best to keep my options open. I stumbled across one called Waplog and this certainly had some strange characters. It was on here I met a soldier who I will call Private Ryan. I believe the best way to describe this encounter would be to recreate the conversation.

Private Ryan: Hey, you seem lovely. Please can we chat.

Me: Yeah.

Private Ryan: I like your pictures, you look hot!

Me: Thanks, but save me the bull I have heard it all before.

Private Ryan: A feisty one!! I like it.

Me: you don’t know the half of it lol.

Private Ryan: I would like to know.

Me: Would you now!? 😉

Private Ryan: Yeah, I feel a real connection here.

Me: Can you?

Private Ryan: Marry me baby.

Me: You are joking right???

Private Ryan: Not at all, I love you.

Me: Bollocks! we have been talking literally 5 minutes!! You know nothing about me.

Private Ryan: I will know everything about you, once you are my wife.

Me: Your Wife!!! lmao, No, I am not having this conversation any longer, you sir are clearly a fucking lunatic!! Goodbye.

And that was it, again that little devil appeared on my shoulder to see where this one would go, but I decided on this occasion to ignore it. Whatever this guy wanted I really didn’t want to know and I was not going to play along with this game. I never waited for his reply and very quickly closed my account on this particular site as quite shockingly this conversation was pretty indicative of most I was having. There seemed to be an over abundance of single American soldiers looking for a wife. Private Ryan, although the quickest was not the only one to propose, which is probably why I reacted so abrasively.

The Sailor

After the disappointment of Obi Wan I decided to pull in my net for a while and see if someone could real me in. I looked through some messages and before too long my eyes fell upon one which caught my attention.

” Hello miss I read your profile and I must say you certainly do intrigue me. I would love to get to know you better as you absolutely seem my type”

He had used the right bait and had hooked me in, intrigued I thought lets see where this one takes me. So I messaged him back and we began to talk. He told me he was in the Navy and enjoyed keeping fit. We didn’t share a great deal in common but he seemed okay and the conversation still flowed with relative ease. Very soon he claimed the dating site we were on did not work well on his phone and asked if I was willing to give him my email address. Ah, the old defective phone excuse, one I had used previously, still I obliged after all it wasn’t my number he was requesting.

He began asking what I wanted in a relationship alleging it was good to make sure we were on the same page when it came to matters of the heart and in return he confided in me what it was he expected. I told him what I was looking for and he seemed in full agreement. He then started sending me list after list of questions in an attempt “figure out what makes me tick”, without prompting he too answered them. It would appear he was giving the distinct impression that he was some kind of knight in shining armour searching for his damsel in distress, the kind you read about in fairy tales. Maybe I was being to cynical but my spidey senses seemed to pick something was really off with him, so I opted to keep him for the moment at arm’s length.

I didn’t hear anything for over a week and hoped it was because he picked up on my elusiveness and found someone else to bombard, I was relieved not to be answering any more questions like “Would you rather date someone 10 years older or 10 years younger?” “Would tell a friend you loved them and risk losing them forever or would you suffer in silence?” and “What would be your perfect date?” I was mistaken as I did receive an email detailing why he had not been in touch. Full of apologies, he explained that he had been drafted on a secret mission to the Middle East. He claimed that he could not get onto the internet often and was unsure when he would be back. I was not to worry however, as although this mission was not dangerous it was still sensitive and I  was not breathe a word to anyone as he was taking a risk by simply telling me he had been called up. I fought the urge to ask if he was actually a spy and should I now fear for my life, instead said I understood and was prepared to wait if he needed me to. I figured why not reciprocate his lies. I was not expecting to hear anything further, as I thought I had just been dumped in the most imaginative way and it was certainly better than the whole it’s not you its me drivel.

A few days later I received an email stating he was surprised not to receive any correspondence from me and went on to tell me all about a small amount shipmates who were lazy and the grief he was receiving from his superior for these few bad apples. He then completely changed this subject on to how much he was missing home and how desperate he was to meet me as suddenly I was all he could think about. Where had this revelation come from? and was it really that lonely on his imaginary ship? I really should have ignored him as clearly this guy was after something, but I decided to play along and see what was on his agenda. I responded in kind and told him that I found that strange, as he had also been on my mind, especially as I had just watched Pirates of the Caribbean. He missed the obvious sarcasm and  what came next was a relentless attempt to woo me. I was told numerous times how much he thought about me, how I crept into his thoughts at the most unexpected times. He started emailing me different scenarios of what would happen when we met and you tube clips of Michael Bolton songs. He kept asking how it was possible to feel so strongly about someone he had never met. The thought of me gave him butterflies and made him feel like a teenager again, this guy was full on. Then he said his assignment would be over soon and the ship would be heading home so we should meet. Again I should have said no as this man could have been a psychopath as it was obvious he was not who he claimed to be, but that devil on my shoulder was enjoying this little game too much and I really wanted to know where this would go. I told him I couldn’t wait to meet and he should email me when he landed so I could welcome him as his ship arrived.

I didn’t hear anything for several days and  I guessed he figured out I was playing with him or perhaps he had cold feet. More apologies followed as he declared his father had been taken ill whilst on Holiday in the Ukraine he had somehow managed to persuade his captain to drop him off there before the ship came back to England. Apparently the only reason the captain agreed was due the severity of the illness (a massive heart attack) and the fact that his dad was all the family he had in the world. He told me he was devastated that he had to put our first meet on hold and hoped I would understand. I was very sympathetic offering condolences and any help should he need it.

Every day I got a progress report on his dad thanking me for my loving support stating the fact I was there for him was only thing keeping him strong. Happy I can help was my response. He explained that his dad was going to be okay as the Ukrainian hospital would be fitting a pacemaker and he was expected to make a full recovery. He said we should arrange to meet the following week as his dad would be getting better and he was desperate to finally see me. He followed this up with a song from someone I had never heard of about falling in love with someone who was far away.

Then I got what I was waiting for. Not sure how to approach this he decided it best to come right out and ask. The pacemaker for his dad would cost around £3500 and his dads insurance company was dragging its heals. The doctors now needed the money asap so it could be fitted. He went on to explain that although he had raised the lions share of this through naval funding and several friends he was still short £185 and needed it the following day, as he had no other family I was therefore his last hope. There it was the agenda I had been waiting for, it seemed the sailor was actually con man and although £185 did not seem a lot I got to thinking, if he was to ask 10 women that would be £1850 and who knows how many other women he was “falling for”. I apologised, explaining I  could not help financially as it was just after Christmas and I had no spare cash. He said he understood and apologised for even asking.

You will not be surprised to know I never heard from the sailor again. And although on this occasion I was savvy enough not to fall for his lies, it made me wonder how many women actually did . A lovelorn sailor with secret missions, I bet some lapped it up. He was extremely charismatic and I couldn’t help thinking what if all the questions and talk of relationships was indeed a ploy to find out if I was a hopeless romantic who would fall under his spell. Maybe if I hadn’t of encountered Obi Wan and went into this with a more rose-tinted view I wouldn’t have been immune to his charms.

The first one

This was the first guy I ever messaged, I did this because he had a slight resemblance to the actor Ewan McGregor. I tried to come up with a witty opening line from one of his films, however all I could come up with was trainspotting (too many drug references), Moulin Rouge (too many love references) and Star Wars. I  did almost message asking if he wanted to join the dark side but decided against it as Ewan McGregor actually played a Jedi, besides I wasn’t ready to release the geek just yet. So it was that I opted for a simple and unimaginative “Hi”. I didn’t expect to receive a response as I never replied to one word introductions. This would not be the only time I proved to be a hypocrite as with online dating at some point I broke all of my rules. Almost immediately however, he responded and chatting commenced.

I soon discovered we had a few things in common, we both enjoyed eighties films, were the same age, liked the same food and loved the same chicken restaurant. We exchanged first names, but for now I will call him Obi Wan. We talked every day and soon he gave me his number, this could have been a problem as my first rule was never give out my number and I was not going to back on this rule with the first guy I was talking to and besides I had already broken one. Needless to say, I lied and told him that my phone was playing up and was happy to talk off the dating site and he suggested Skype, we both swapped user names and switched to it. Approximately another week went by and chatted about nothing, I started to feel I really wasn’t getting to know this guy, so I felt it appropriate to change this and asked if we could get to know each other better through more personal questions. He agreed with a response I was not expecting, here is kind of how the conversation went.

Me: Fancy doing something a little different tonight?

Obi Wan: Ooh sounds interesting lol, what do you have in mind?

Me: Ha ha, nothing like that, I thought we could ask questions about each other to get to know us better.

Obi Wan: Okay, sounds great. I want to get to know you as I am really starting to fall for you.

Woah!! I thought, let’s put the brakes on here, falling for me how is this possible we have only been talking less than a fortnight how can things be moving this quick? In hindsight I really should have known better than to believe him but hindsight is a wonderful thing and for a 39-year-old I was incredibly naïve. In my mind he had fallen fall my charms and personality and as much as I played this down in the back of my mind I was extremely flattered. I figured now was a good time to arrange the first date, I put it to him and he agreed. Things at this point turned a little mushy as we got to planning this date to take place in 3 weeks. He said we should not speak, just kiss, it was full on. This should have been my first clue but ignorance is bliss and I was naïve enough to believe everyone was genuine on dating sites. (yes I have been living under a rock). It was as the date drew closer and he kept dodging the questions that I felt something may be slightly off. I asked him if everything was okay and he very apologetically explained he was feeling a little rushed and was not ready to meet. This should have been my second clue as for someone who was apparently falling me, gave me his number and a friend request on Facebook why was he suddenly feeling rushed? This question did not enter my mind as I agreed perhaps a date was rushing things a little and was prepared to wait until he was ready.

The weeks passed and still I was no closer to securing a date with this guy, however this was okay as we seemed to be getting on really well and had progressed to mildly flirting. The flirting did start to take on a more perverted twist as the questions were getting a little more personal and he wanted to know my bra size and how I entertain myself on those lonely evenings. I am no prude so I answered all his questions honestly and besides these urges and tension relief is something we all do. It was at this point he asked me to engage in some kind of cyber sex and virtually touch and stroke him. I was not too comfortable with this and quickly changed the subject. He apologised for his outburst and claims it was because he was so aroused by my extremely sexy pictures as women in glasses were a massive turn on and he was hugely attracted to me. This should have been my third clue. I am not the most attractive person in the world I am overweight, with frizzy hair and crooked teeth. This guy dressed well, had a great smile, toned body and impeccable hair, why would he find my pictures attractive? My ego did not share this concern and I found myself responding in kind to the more spicy of messages. The pace soon quickened and the messages become more and more risqué, I played along, besides where was the harm,this guy really liked me and at times I found it mildly arousing. As it turns out I had quite a knack for this as some of the things we were typing  were absolute filth and I found I was neither shocked, repulsed or embarrassed by this explicit turn of conversation. In fact I was enjoying it, more than I believed I ever I would. After a week or so of this he mentioned he had been a little naughty and taken a picture, still on some kind of cyber sex high, I asked to take a look, thinking he was in his underwear showing off a cheeky little bulge to demonstrate the effect I appeared to have on him. What I was faced with was the biggest, smoothest most attractive cock I have ever seen. I am not exaggerating when I say this thing belonged in a porno, it was absolute perfection. I vocalised my somewhat shocked appreciation and so began a deluge of similar pictures to accompany this already lewd verbal intercourse. After a while, although half expected I was still surprised when he requested similar pictures of myself. This was a line I was in no way willing to cross so I refused. His pictures stopped and the conversation became more modest and less frequent. It was around this time our office Christmas party was approaching and it was close to where he hailed from. I mentioned I was in his neighbourhood and suggested we meet up for coffee, I said where I was going to be and what time I would be there. He said he had to check his diary but couldn’t foresee much and would very much enjoy a coffee. As the day drew closer the messages decreased and for the 4 days preceding the party I heard nothing at all. Still with misplaced optimism I sat in café Nero and waited for him to show. As expected he didn’t turn up and I waited an hour before finally admitting defeat, plus I had a party to get ready for.

I never heard from Obi Wan again and although I was not heartbroken by this I was left with several questions. It was apparent he never fell as deep as he claimed, but where did it all go wrong. Was he only interested in smut talk and when it ceased he lost interest? Did he feel it was all one sided as I refused to send pictures? Did he simply get bored? Why did he never want to meet? I could ask a million questions but will never really know the answers, as when all you essentially are is words on a screen, it’s so easy to ignore someone. This did teach my first and most valuable lessons,no one is who they appear, assume they are lying until you are proved otherwise and when a guy says he is falling for you there is an agenda. This theory would soon prove valuable with the next guy who claimed he had fallen for me.

An Introduction

I have been single around 2 years and with a little nudge from friends, a year ago I decided to cast my net into the murky waters of online dating. A single mother at 39, I figured I could meet a nice guy around my own age to have a chat with and fall hopelessly in love. Needless to say this did not happen as I am still single and somewhat disillusioned by the whole experience, so in short I have decided to share some of my experiences.

Whilst looking through the endless pictures of potential suitors, I noticed how many of these men seemed to think it appropriate to show themselves holding a fish. Is this their answer to us girls and our trout pout or duck face, to actually hold trout! I guess both are seen as equally unsexy. The next thing that struck me was an equally large amount of torso shots, either with a hand lodged inside boxer shorts or holding up a t-shirt, again it’s no different from sexy ladies in underwear leaning forward with folded arms, to give the illusion of an impressive cleavage. With far too many single men to choose from I decided the best course of action would be to let them   message me and message me they did. It would seem a 39-year-old woman is very popular with young men wanting to “bag themselves a MILF” as I seemed to get an inordinate amount of twenty something’s sending me some rather brazen comments, this was extremely great for my ego and in a moment of weakness, did prompt me to get into a very steamy conversation with a 21-year-old but more about him later.

So with my profile online for the world to see and several messages to answer I began my search for Mr Right. Most of the time conversations ended as one party got bored and me being no angel certainly gave some great lines in order to end communication and on the rare occasion it didn’t work I am ashamed to say they were met by complete ignorance. All of these will be on this blog and obviously names will changed to protect the innocent. As you will see I have been proposed to, almost conned and completely distraught. I know most people have experienced all these things online so if you do happen to read this and even more startlingly enjoy it please feel free to comment with your own tales. Please know this is not a man hating blog, as I will show I have not been without fault and have even done the obligatory psycho message as no matter how hard I tried to stay grounded I did allow one fantasy to sweep me off my feet.