The Sailor

After the disappointment of Obi Wan I decided to pull in my net for a while and see if someone could real me in. I looked through some messages and before too long my eyes fell upon one which caught my attention.

” Hello miss I read your profile and I must say you certainly do intrigue me. I would love to get to know you better as you absolutely seem my type”

He had used the right bait and had hooked me in, intrigued I thought lets see where this one takes me. So I messaged him back and we began to talk. He told me he was in the Navy and enjoyed keeping fit. We didn’t share a great deal in common but he seemed okay and the conversation still flowed with relative ease. Very soon he claimed the dating site we were on did not work well on his phone and asked if I was willing to give him my email address. Ah, the old defective phone excuse, one I had used previously, still I obliged after all it wasn’t my number he was requesting.

He began asking what I wanted in a relationship alleging it was good to make sure we were on the same page when it came to matters of the heart and in return he confided in me what it was he expected. I told him what I was looking for and he seemed in full agreement. He then started sending me list after list of questions in an attempt “figure out what makes me tick”, without prompting he too answered them. It would appear he was giving the distinct impression that he was some kind of knight in shining armour searching for his damsel in distress, the kind you read about in fairy tales. Maybe I was being to cynical but my spidey senses seemed to pick something was really off with him, so I opted to keep him for the moment at arm’s length.

I didn’t hear anything for over a week and hoped it was because he picked up on my elusiveness and found someone else to bombard, I was relieved not to be answering any more questions like “Would you rather date someone 10 years older or 10 years younger?” “Would tell a friend you loved them and risk losing them forever or would you suffer in silence?” and “What would be your perfect date?” I was mistaken as I did receive an email detailing why he had not been in touch. Full of apologies, he explained that he had been drafted on a secret mission to the Middle East. He claimed that he could not get onto the internet often and was unsure when he would be back. I was not to worry however, as although this mission was not dangerous it was still sensitive and I  was not breathe a word to anyone as he was taking a risk by simply telling me he had been called up. I fought the urge to ask if he was actually a spy and should I now fear for my life, instead said I understood and was prepared to wait if he needed me to. I figured why not reciprocate his lies. I was not expecting to hear anything further, as I thought I had just been dumped in the most imaginative way and it was certainly better than the whole it’s not you its me drivel.

A few days later I received an email stating he was surprised not to receive any correspondence from me and went on to tell me all about a small amount shipmates who were lazy and the grief he was receiving from his superior for these few bad apples. He then completely changed this subject on to how much he was missing home and how desperate he was to meet me as suddenly I was all he could think about. Where had this revelation come from? and was it really that lonely on his imaginary ship? I really should have ignored him as clearly this guy was after something, but I decided to play along and see what was on his agenda. I responded in kind and told him that I found that strange, as he had also been on my mind, especially as I had just watched Pirates of the Caribbean. He missed the obvious sarcasm and  what came next was a relentless attempt to woo me. I was told numerous times how much he thought about me, how I crept into his thoughts at the most unexpected times. He started emailing me different scenarios of what would happen when we met and you tube clips of Michael Bolton songs. He kept asking how it was possible to feel so strongly about someone he had never met. The thought of me gave him butterflies and made him feel like a teenager again, this guy was full on. Then he said his assignment would be over soon and the ship would be heading home so we should meet. Again I should have said no as this man could have been a psychopath as it was obvious he was not who he claimed to be, but that devil on my shoulder was enjoying this little game too much and I really wanted to know where this would go. I told him I couldn’t wait to meet and he should email me when he landed so I could welcome him as his ship arrived.

I didn’t hear anything for several days and  I guessed he figured out I was playing with him or perhaps he had cold feet. More apologies followed as he declared his father had been taken ill whilst on Holiday in the Ukraine he had somehow managed to persuade his captain to drop him off there before the ship came back to England. Apparently the only reason the captain agreed was due the severity of the illness (a massive heart attack) and the fact that his dad was all the family he had in the world. He told me he was devastated that he had to put our first meet on hold and hoped I would understand. I was very sympathetic offering condolences and any help should he need it.

Every day I got a progress report on his dad thanking me for my loving support stating the fact I was there for him was only thing keeping him strong. Happy I can help was my response. He explained that his dad was going to be okay as the Ukrainian hospital would be fitting a pacemaker and he was expected to make a full recovery. He said we should arrange to meet the following week as his dad would be getting better and he was desperate to finally see me. He followed this up with a song from someone I had never heard of about falling in love with someone who was far away.

Then I got what I was waiting for. Not sure how to approach this he decided it best to come right out and ask. The pacemaker for his dad would cost around £3500 and his dads insurance company was dragging its heals. The doctors now needed the money asap so it could be fitted. He went on to explain that although he had raised the lions share of this through naval funding and several friends he was still short £185 and needed it the following day, as he had no other family I was therefore his last hope. There it was the agenda I had been waiting for, it seemed the sailor was actually con man and although £185 did not seem a lot I got to thinking, if he was to ask 10 women that would be £1850 and who knows how many other women he was “falling for”. I apologised, explaining I  could not help financially as it was just after Christmas and I had no spare cash. He said he understood and apologised for even asking.

You will not be surprised to know I never heard from the sailor again. And although on this occasion I was savvy enough not to fall for his lies, it made me wonder how many women actually did . A lovelorn sailor with secret missions, I bet some lapped it up. He was extremely charismatic and I couldn’t help thinking what if all the questions and talk of relationships was indeed a ploy to find out if I was a hopeless romantic who would fall under his spell. Maybe if I hadn’t of encountered Obi Wan and went into this with a more rose-tinted view I wouldn’t have been immune to his charms.

The first one

This was the first guy I ever messaged, I did this because he had a slight resemblance to the actor Ewan McGregor. I tried to come up with a witty opening line from one of his films, however all I could come up with was trainspotting (too many drug references), Moulin Rouge (too many love references) and Star Wars. I  did almost message asking if he wanted to join the dark side but decided against it as Ewan McGregor actually played a Jedi, besides I wasn’t ready to release the geek just yet. So it was that I opted for a simple and unimaginative “Hi”. I didn’t expect to receive a response as I never replied to one word introductions. This would not be the only time I proved to be a hypocrite as with online dating at some point I broke all of my rules. Almost immediately however, he responded and chatting commenced.

I soon discovered we had a few things in common, we both enjoyed eighties films, were the same age, liked the same food and loved the same chicken restaurant. We exchanged first names, but for now I will call him Obi Wan. We talked every day and soon he gave me his number, this could have been a problem as my first rule was never give out my number and I was not going to back on this rule with the first guy I was talking to and besides I had already broken one. Needless to say, I lied and told him that my phone was playing up and was happy to talk off the dating site and he suggested Skype, we both swapped user names and switched to it. Approximately another week went by and chatted about nothing, I started to feel I really wasn’t getting to know this guy, so I felt it appropriate to change this and asked if we could get to know each other better through more personal questions. He agreed with a response I was not expecting, here is kind of how the conversation went.

Me: Fancy doing something a little different tonight?

Obi Wan: Ooh sounds interesting lol, what do you have in mind?

Me: Ha ha, nothing like that, I thought we could ask questions about each other to get to know us better.

Obi Wan: Okay, sounds great. I want to get to know you as I am really starting to fall for you.

Woah!! I thought, let’s put the brakes on here, falling for me how is this possible we have only been talking less than a fortnight how can things be moving this quick? In hindsight I really should have known better than to believe him but hindsight is a wonderful thing and for a 39-year-old I was incredibly naïve. In my mind he had fallen fall my charms and personality and as much as I played this down in the back of my mind I was extremely flattered. I figured now was a good time to arrange the first date, I put it to him and he agreed. Things at this point turned a little mushy as we got to planning this date to take place in 3 weeks. He said we should not speak, just kiss, it was full on. This should have been my first clue but ignorance is bliss and I was naïve enough to believe everyone was genuine on dating sites. (yes I have been living under a rock). It was as the date drew closer and he kept dodging the questions that I felt something may be slightly off. I asked him if everything was okay and he very apologetically explained he was feeling a little rushed and was not ready to meet. This should have been my second clue as for someone who was apparently falling me, gave me his number and a friend request on Facebook why was he suddenly feeling rushed? This question did not enter my mind as I agreed perhaps a date was rushing things a little and was prepared to wait until he was ready.

The weeks passed and still I was no closer to securing a date with this guy, however this was okay as we seemed to be getting on really well and had progressed to mildly flirting. The flirting did start to take on a more perverted twist as the questions were getting a little more personal and he wanted to know my bra size and how I entertain myself on those lonely evenings. I am no prude so I answered all his questions honestly and besides these urges and tension relief is something we all do. It was at this point he asked me to engage in some kind of cyber sex and virtually touch and stroke him. I was not too comfortable with this and quickly changed the subject. He apologised for his outburst and claims it was because he was so aroused by my extremely sexy pictures as women in glasses were a massive turn on and he was hugely attracted to me. This should have been my third clue. I am not the most attractive person in the world I am overweight, with frizzy hair and crooked teeth. This guy dressed well, had a great smile, toned body and impeccable hair, why would he find my pictures attractive? My ego did not share this concern and I found myself responding in kind to the more spicy of messages. The pace soon quickened and the messages become more and more risqué, I played along, besides where was the harm,this guy really liked me and at times I found it mildly arousing. As it turns out I had quite a knack for this as some of the things we were typing  were absolute filth and I found I was neither shocked, repulsed or embarrassed by this explicit turn of conversation. In fact I was enjoying it, more than I believed I ever I would. After a week or so of this he mentioned he had been a little naughty and taken a picture, still on some kind of cyber sex high, I asked to take a look, thinking he was in his underwear showing off a cheeky little bulge to demonstrate the effect I appeared to have on him. What I was faced with was the biggest, smoothest most attractive cock I have ever seen. I am not exaggerating when I say this thing belonged in a porno, it was absolute perfection. I vocalised my somewhat shocked appreciation and so began a deluge of similar pictures to accompany this already lewd verbal intercourse. After a while, although half expected I was still surprised when he requested similar pictures of myself. This was a line I was in no way willing to cross so I refused. His pictures stopped and the conversation became more modest and less frequent. It was around this time our office Christmas party was approaching and it was close to where he hailed from. I mentioned I was in his neighbourhood and suggested we meet up for coffee, I said where I was going to be and what time I would be there. He said he had to check his diary but couldn’t foresee much and would very much enjoy a coffee. As the day drew closer the messages decreased and for the 4 days preceding the party I heard nothing at all. Still with misplaced optimism I sat in café Nero and waited for him to show. As expected he didn’t turn up and I waited an hour before finally admitting defeat, plus I had a party to get ready for.

I never heard from Obi Wan again and although I was not heartbroken by this I was left with several questions. It was apparent he never fell as deep as he claimed, but where did it all go wrong. Was he only interested in smut talk and when it ceased he lost interest? Did he feel it was all one sided as I refused to send pictures? Did he simply get bored? Why did he never want to meet? I could ask a million questions but will never really know the answers, as when all you essentially are is words on a screen, it’s so easy to ignore someone. This did teach my first and most valuable lessons,no one is who they appear, assume they are lying until you are proved otherwise and when a guy says he is falling for you there is an agenda. This theory would soon prove valuable with the next guy who claimed he had fallen for me.

An Introduction

I have been single around 2 years and with a little nudge from friends, a year ago I decided to cast my net into the murky waters of online dating. A single mother at 39, I figured I could meet a nice guy around my own age to have a chat with and fall hopelessly in love. Needless to say this did not happen as I am still single and somewhat disillusioned by the whole experience, so in short I have decided to share some of my experiences.

Whilst looking through the endless pictures of potential suitors, I noticed how many of these men seemed to think it appropriate to show themselves holding a fish. Is this their answer to us girls and our trout pout or duck face, to actually hold trout! I guess both are seen as equally unsexy. The next thing that struck me was an equally large amount of torso shots, either with a hand lodged inside boxer shorts or holding up a t-shirt, again it’s no different from sexy ladies in underwear leaning forward with folded arms, to give the illusion of an impressive cleavage. With far too many single men to choose from I decided the best course of action would be to let them   message me and message me they did. It would seem a 39-year-old woman is very popular with young men wanting to “bag themselves a MILF” as I seemed to get an inordinate amount of twenty something’s sending me some rather brazen comments, this was extremely great for my ego and in a moment of weakness, did prompt me to get into a very steamy conversation with a 21-year-old but more about him later.

So with my profile online for the world to see and several messages to answer I began my search for Mr Right. Most of the time conversations ended as one party got bored and me being no angel certainly gave some great lines in order to end communication and on the rare occasion it didn’t work I am ashamed to say they were met by complete ignorance. All of these will be on this blog and obviously names will changed to protect the innocent. As you will see I have been proposed to, almost conned and completely distraught. I know most people have experienced all these things online so if you do happen to read this and even more startlingly enjoy it please feel free to comment with your own tales. Please know this is not a man hating blog, as I will show I have not been without fault and have even done the obligatory psycho message as no matter how hard I tried to stay grounded I did allow one fantasy to sweep me off my feet.